Reasons Why I Love Being Home While My Roommates Are Working

-I can sit in the living room with no pants on and play Candy Crush

-I can sit in the living room with no pants on and play Pet Rescue when I'm out of Candy Crush lives

-I can drink multiple dirty martinis without judgement (it's 5 o'clock somewhere...)

-I can blare (and drunkenly sing along to) Neil Diamond

-Am I tipsy?

-I like listening to Christmas music all year long

SUPER DIAMOND

"There are two types of people in this world: Those who like Neil Diamond, and those who don't."


I am the former. I have an unhealthy obsession with Neil Diamond that most people do not understand, even me. I am a daddy's girl. My dad is, and will always be, the number one man in my life. My dad always played Neil in the car and as a little girl I would always sing along. Around the holidays my parents would decorate our home while listening to Neil Diamond's Christmas album. I guess there is just something nostalgic about it for me. I used to be embarrassed but now I just own it. I don't give a fuck. If you don't like cracklin' rosie, you can get OFF board. 


ANY-WAY, after my customers at work found out I was a huge Neil Diamond fan, they told me about this cover band called Super Diamond. I waited until the last minute to get tickets and they were sold out. WHAT?! The real Neil Diamond doesn't even sell out! I miraculously got tickets from my friend Craig. (the one with the massive list) and bestie and I were on our way! After a couple extra dirty vodka martinis I was singing and getting trampled by drunk cougars busting some moves on the dance floor. It was unbearable being around these drunk ass cougars who you KNOW had to hire a babysitter for their grandkids just so they could make it to this show, which was undoubtedly the highlight of their month. I hope I'm never that lame. Regardless, it was totally worth it. The lead singer was hot, too. He looked like an older version of Paul Rudd with a receding hairline. Old. Still rocking a deep v-neck. Shares a mutual love for Neil Diamond. Sounds like my soulmate. 

Dear Ex-Boyfriend's New Girlfriend,

I prefer to call you Dumbo, I mean, look at those ears.
And your drugstore makeup tutorials might be helpful if you weren't using cheap ass makeup. I think you're confused about dropping five stacks on the makeup bag. Five stacks does not mean five dollars. Confusing, I know!

There are so many things I wish I could tell you. Like when you're on that cute picnic and you wonder where that nice blanket came from. Oh wait, that's mine. And when he got you the same exact Tiffany's necklace he bought me long before you came into the picture. Only yours was for Valentine's Day and mine was just because. Don't worry, that wasn't the only piece of jewelry he got me from Tiffany's. 

Don't worry, I'm not mad. I'm not mad that he downgraded from a cute petite girlfriend to a fugly amazon woman. And I'm not mad because I know that his penis is smaller than a baby carrot, and I know that won't change. I almost feel the need to buy you some batteries!